I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
