Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
