I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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