Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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