I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
This is the high leading the old right now
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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