someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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