Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
