It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
