I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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