My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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