Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
