I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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