I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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