You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
