I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
This baby is an asshole
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
