apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
