he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
