you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
