Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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