My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
