if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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