I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
That's when you crack a 10am beer
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
