TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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