I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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