I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
