Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Can you bring me the toilet please
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
