After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I deserve this hangover.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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