Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
