I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
