I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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