Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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