when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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