Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
