You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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