: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
