Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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