VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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