what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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