I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
