I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
