I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
