I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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