Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The best revenge is premature balding
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
