i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
