hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
