in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
