Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
