I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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