I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
