I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
