My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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